A New Routine...

My apartment is naturally colder without him. I'm watching the Appalachian State football game alone in my apartment on a Friday night, after working all day. And that's the mistake people make. They think they need lots of alone time and decide to throw themselves into working all the time.

He's on east coast time now in Charlotte, NC where many of our friends live. I'm picturing him at a bar right now, happily settling in to his new home. Or at a car dealership negociating for a new car to drive around in his new city. It's hard when you wonder about something and build things up to be something great, only to have them not work out. What I didn't expect was how hard it was going to be to say good-bye to him.

So many things remind me of him. I live right near the movie theatre we used to go to all the time and there's an empty whiskey bottle on the kitchen counter. He told me I was playing sad music and making things harder than they have to be. I guess I was finally figuring out how much I cared about him. I never really realized that before then, which is normally how it works anyway.

I realize that this is just a stage and that feeling sorry for myself and jealous that he's around great people in NC will pass. I'll figure out how to go to the movies by myself and know that I moved to Vegas for myself, not for him. At least that's what I'm telling myself for now. Part of me half expects him to walk through the doors with groceries in his hand, and things would be different. Then again, I half expected everything with him and all it caused was problems. I have no idea why I've held on to this idea of him for so long, or if I'll ever let it go, but I know it's much better as an idea and not a reality. He made no sense in reality.

It's hard to feel so disconnected and alone. It's hard to think of how my life will be without him. But I know that there were unfixable problems with us and that being without him is better now. And in a couple of weeks I'll look back on this blog and think how ridiculous I am for posting this crap. But I just don't care about it at this point.