I don't even think I was home for more than 30 hours. But I got to see my family on Christmas morning and hang out with some friends from high school that night. We went out to a bar expecting to see lots of people but my friend let me know that Christmas Eve is the new night to go out in Leesburg. Oh how things have changed.
Now that I'm back in Las Vegas for a couple of days before heading to Charlotte to spend New Year's with my college friends, I'm really wondering what's keeping me here. I can work back in Virginia or North Carolina for the same company I work for now, only in a community that I care about. I keep trying to remind myself of the idea that a place is only what you make it, but Vegas made itself up a long time ago and no one stays here long because of it. And I'm just one of those people waiting to leave at this point.
I'm hoping that when I get back to North Carolina I'll actually stay still for a little while. I'll figure out how to be in the present and know what I'm looking for. On the vision board at work I've got mountains in the backround and my goals are to open a store in Asheville and settle in there. To eventually become a yoga instructor and own my own studio. It's a peaceful life where I'm walking down the street with my children to get breakfast on a cold Saturday morning. And then I look at what I want to do before all that and think: I'm right where I need to be.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
Virginia Bound
I'm having one of those mornings where I have too much time to think. I've packed my bags to go home for Christmas for two days...I am closing the store tonight, parking my car at the Las Vegas airport and arriving in Virginia to surprise my parents on Christmas morning. My sister's helping me as her gift to me...the flight prices kept going up and down and I was happy to see it finally went down enough to make it worth it. At this point, I was ready to pay anything for 36 hours at home.
It's interesting how we figure out what we value and need. I love the idea of being free and open...I'm listening to the Jackson Browne record he left me hiding behind our old dresser for Christmas. It's bringing up those feelings of why I moved out here in the first place. Of why I hate being stuck out here now.
I love my new job. I lost my keys the other night and I just stayed over at my manager's house. Her family was in town and they kept trying to cheer me up. When I found them in the back room under the fridge the next day I felt such a relief. All I could think about when I lost my keys was how alone I feel in this city. But that got me nowhere. It just made me feel bad about myself.
I think the process of letting go is a long one. Especially when you can't explain why you are drawn to certain people in your life. Even when they don't make sense to you, it's just this feeling of being open and calm and excited.
I'm going home tonight. And my apartment will stay here and when I get back I'll clean up the dishes in the sink and finally start to dust off the banjo that's been sitting in the corner of my bedroom for months.
It's interesting how we figure out what we value and need. I love the idea of being free and open...I'm listening to the Jackson Browne record he left me hiding behind our old dresser for Christmas. It's bringing up those feelings of why I moved out here in the first place. Of why I hate being stuck out here now.
I love my new job. I lost my keys the other night and I just stayed over at my manager's house. Her family was in town and they kept trying to cheer me up. When I found them in the back room under the fridge the next day I felt such a relief. All I could think about when I lost my keys was how alone I feel in this city. But that got me nowhere. It just made me feel bad about myself.
I think the process of letting go is a long one. Especially when you can't explain why you are drawn to certain people in your life. Even when they don't make sense to you, it's just this feeling of being open and calm and excited.
I'm going home tonight. And my apartment will stay here and when I get back I'll clean up the dishes in the sink and finally start to dust off the banjo that's been sitting in the corner of my bedroom for months.
Friday, December 14, 2007
A New Routine...
My apartment is naturally colder without him. I'm watching the Appalachian State football game alone in my apartment on a Friday night, after working all day. And that's the mistake people make. They think they need lots of alone time and decide to throw themselves into working all the time.
He's on east coast time now in Charlotte, NC where many of our friends live. I'm picturing him at a bar right now, happily settling in to his new home. Or at a car dealership negociating for a new car to drive around in his new city. It's hard when you wonder about something and build things up to be something great, only to have them not work out. What I didn't expect was how hard it was going to be to say good-bye to him.
So many things remind me of him. I live right near the movie theatre we used to go to all the time and there's an empty whiskey bottle on the kitchen counter. He told me I was playing sad music and making things harder than they have to be. I guess I was finally figuring out how much I cared about him. I never really realized that before then, which is normally how it works anyway.
I realize that this is just a stage and that feeling sorry for myself and jealous that he's around great people in NC will pass. I'll figure out how to go to the movies by myself and know that I moved to Vegas for myself, not for him. At least that's what I'm telling myself for now. Part of me half expects him to walk through the doors with groceries in his hand, and things would be different. Then again, I half expected everything with him and all it caused was problems. I have no idea why I've held on to this idea of him for so long, or if I'll ever let it go, but I know it's much better as an idea and not a reality. He made no sense in reality.
It's hard to feel so disconnected and alone. It's hard to think of how my life will be without him. But I know that there were unfixable problems with us and that being without him is better now. And in a couple of weeks I'll look back on this blog and think how ridiculous I am for posting this crap. But I just don't care about it at this point.
He's on east coast time now in Charlotte, NC where many of our friends live. I'm picturing him at a bar right now, happily settling in to his new home. Or at a car dealership negociating for a new car to drive around in his new city. It's hard when you wonder about something and build things up to be something great, only to have them not work out. What I didn't expect was how hard it was going to be to say good-bye to him.
So many things remind me of him. I live right near the movie theatre we used to go to all the time and there's an empty whiskey bottle on the kitchen counter. He told me I was playing sad music and making things harder than they have to be. I guess I was finally figuring out how much I cared about him. I never really realized that before then, which is normally how it works anyway.
I realize that this is just a stage and that feeling sorry for myself and jealous that he's around great people in NC will pass. I'll figure out how to go to the movies by myself and know that I moved to Vegas for myself, not for him. At least that's what I'm telling myself for now. Part of me half expects him to walk through the doors with groceries in his hand, and things would be different. Then again, I half expected everything with him and all it caused was problems. I have no idea why I've held on to this idea of him for so long, or if I'll ever let it go, but I know it's much better as an idea and not a reality. He made no sense in reality.
It's hard to feel so disconnected and alone. It's hard to think of how my life will be without him. But I know that there were unfixable problems with us and that being without him is better now. And in a couple of weeks I'll look back on this blog and think how ridiculous I am for posting this crap. But I just don't care about it at this point.
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