I like myself. I like myself. I like myself. I like myself. I was talking with a friend from Las Vegas last week about how recently I’ve felt really negative. That when I go to yoga I’m only scratching the surface rather than digging in deep. I told him that I was missing Las Vegas and yoga and that hot desert heat.
My classes are cancelled at the local community college here and I’m walking to work at my second job for the rest of the week. It’ll be about a 45 minute walk and I plan on doing a lot of thinking. I’m looking forward to it. Because even though my gas gauge is at about a quarter of a tank and the gas shortage in this area is supposed to clear up by early next week, I figured I would take advantage of a crisis.
In Boston, I used to take the T and walk 20 minutes to work. I’d put my IPod on and listen to music and think about my day. It was nice and refreshing. And now in Asheville it’s officially fall and even the trees are starting to change. And I like being back in that place.
My friend from Las Vegas sent me some motivational CD’s that we listened to as part of training at lululemon. He’s recently re-listened to them and talking to him made me realize what a slump I’ve been in lately. How I need to move and stretch my way out of it. I feel terrific. I feel terrific. I feel terrific.
The truth is, with yoga teacher training in three weeks, and my classes going really well and my career counseling picking back up again, I feel like the world is in a great place. And every time I think about what’s going on outside my mountain bubble, I want to pass what I’m thinking on to them. At least, that’s how I want to believe things are going. And as a result, that’s the truth of how they are going.
Seeing Obama speak in Charlotte this past weekend while visiting him gave me hope again. Even though all weekend I wrestled the idea of another long distance relationship, of driving down the mountain to see him and knowing things are amazing and that we’ve worked our differences out (even though I love a good fight), my habits take shape underneath it all and I can’t help but feel anxious about things. And maybe it’s because my parents haven’t e-mailed me or called since I’ve told them the news, or maybe it’s just an old habit that I tell myself. Because even when you know you deserve love, it doesn’t always feel great when you have to constantly explain yourself to your family. To realize that they’ve never really trusted you to make your own decisions. It’s isolating.
Everyday is new. And what I moved here for, what I’ve been looking forward to, is finally coming up in three weeks. In my yoga classes I keep concentrating on my hips (where emotions are stored), thinking that if I let it out in class that I won’t have to deal with it later. That as soon as I work on my tight hips I’ll be able to have a better relationship with my family. That working on changing that attitude will change things. It’ll open things up…
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Time, time, time...
Part of me almost wants to congratulate all those that said the economy was going to shit. Say: “you were right!” with a big applause. Tell them that they knew things were unstable and on a shaky ground and thank you for being practical and warning us all about the end of our economy as we know it.
Then I think about the rash of friends who have recently been laid off. And there really has been a rash of them. For one reason or another, whether it be budget cuts or new hiring, as well as the company closing down altogether. And part of me wants to feel more appreciative of the opportunities created here in Asheville, and another part of me wants to rework the whole system. No jobs, no forty hour a work week, no idea of a career, but just living and being. I moved here knowing Asheville could provide that feeling for me. That that lifestyle existed here. There are still many realities in the world that you envision. And not all of these realities are negative.
I always wonder if the person moving and talking out in my world is the same one that I see inside, from behind it all. Like when he tells me I don’t communicate how I feel to him or that I have a hard time demonstrating my appreciation, I immediately think of my family and how often I feel that glare. There’s so much of that mixed in with the misunderstandings between my mom and me. Because for me, there’s that extra pause of anxiety before telling someone I love them.
Right now I’m teaching at a local community college. My three classes are all very different, and my goals in teaching them are to help them realize their potential. Sounds corny and lame, and for some of them it takes a lot of effort to sit still and not fall asleep at eight in the morning. And for a little while, I was getting frustrated at some of the lack of response in my classroom. And then I realized, it wasn’t them, it was me. I was searching for validation from the wrong source. We all have to know we are doing a good job at whatever we are doing, and that we are all contributing to something greater than ourselves. And that idea doesn’t have to be thought about everyday, but can easily be tucked away under thoughts of the day.
There’s this constant struggle with myself as a writer. Some of my friends from college have given up on writing. They say it’s the best thing they’ve ever done. And when I think about what I really want to do and what I’m doing now, there’s constant thoughts of what could happen. It’s like I’m still working towards feeling satisfied and balanced in my life. I do it everyday.
Then I think about the rash of friends who have recently been laid off. And there really has been a rash of them. For one reason or another, whether it be budget cuts or new hiring, as well as the company closing down altogether. And part of me wants to feel more appreciative of the opportunities created here in Asheville, and another part of me wants to rework the whole system. No jobs, no forty hour a work week, no idea of a career, but just living and being. I moved here knowing Asheville could provide that feeling for me. That that lifestyle existed here. There are still many realities in the world that you envision. And not all of these realities are negative.
I always wonder if the person moving and talking out in my world is the same one that I see inside, from behind it all. Like when he tells me I don’t communicate how I feel to him or that I have a hard time demonstrating my appreciation, I immediately think of my family and how often I feel that glare. There’s so much of that mixed in with the misunderstandings between my mom and me. Because for me, there’s that extra pause of anxiety before telling someone I love them.
Right now I’m teaching at a local community college. My three classes are all very different, and my goals in teaching them are to help them realize their potential. Sounds corny and lame, and for some of them it takes a lot of effort to sit still and not fall asleep at eight in the morning. And for a little while, I was getting frustrated at some of the lack of response in my classroom. And then I realized, it wasn’t them, it was me. I was searching for validation from the wrong source. We all have to know we are doing a good job at whatever we are doing, and that we are all contributing to something greater than ourselves. And that idea doesn’t have to be thought about everyday, but can easily be tucked away under thoughts of the day.
There’s this constant struggle with myself as a writer. Some of my friends from college have given up on writing. They say it’s the best thing they’ve ever done. And when I think about what I really want to do and what I’m doing now, there’s constant thoughts of what could happen. It’s like I’m still working towards feeling satisfied and balanced in my life. I do it everyday.
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